GEORGE OSBORNE IS MY EVIL TWIN

(written in March 2012 in response to VAT being added by chancellor George Osborne to pasties)

My name is Richard Hearn and I was born on the 23rd May 1971. Ok, so it's not a killer of an opening, but bear with me; this week these two facts together collided in a co-incidence so incredible, so far-reaching in its significance, it is as if the world has folded in on itself. Like a pasty.

That was your first clue. I share my birthday, exactly, the year and everything, with George Osborne. (I often think of him as my evil twin). And I share my name with a comedian from the 50's and 60's whose alter ego was Mr Pastry. (Readers of a certain age will know this; the rest of you can Google him. OK, so he does have an extra 'e'.)

So this week, when George Osborne has 'declared war on pastry'((C)Most Newspapers), I take that as proof that he really has become my nemesis. Dr Octopus to my Spider-Man. The Joker to my Batman. George Osborne is Mr Pastry's Evil Twin

In the same way that Snow White's dwarves took on the personality indicated by their names (I call as evidence how sleepy Sleepy is, and the fact that Grumpy really does act very grumpily) I - as Mr Pastry, by default - love a good pie. I've got into arguments on National Express coaches over a pasty, and sausage rolls have resulted in my very own squeezable middle. When I saw cars queuing on petrol forecourts this week, I assumed they were worried about a rush on Ginsters.

Maybe to readers, my own co-incidences aren't earth-shattering news, but to me, they're a sign, a gift from the Gods (or Gregg's). Either way, it's an article I feel I was born to write.