WHAT IF SAT NAVS WERE MORE HUMAN?

I'm waiting for manufacturers to announce they can make Sat Navs more human. Anything computerised seems to harbour this ambition, but as far as I'm concerned, the reason Sat Navs have muscled their way into your car is because humans haven't been up to the map-reading job. However, if they have to become more human, let's guess at the personalities they could have. I'm going for the following 'virtual passengers': (*Please note: In order to impersonate the peculiar diction of Sat Navs - let's face it, they're still speaking clocks unexpectedly promoted - I have used plenty of full-stops. Best read aloud with even spacing and no emotion.)

Option 1: 'Easily Distracted' - There's something about a conventional Sat Nav that is a little, how can I say, single-minded. It just talks about the road, never seems to want to look out of the side window. So for a change, let's' have 'At. The. Next. Roundabout. Take. The. Second. Oh. Hang. On. Have. They. Done. Up. That. Pub? It. Looks. New.' Or how about: 'In. 300. Yards. Turn. Did. You. See. Him. Trying. To. Cross? He. Looked. Just. Like. Alex. Ferguson. But. Like. A. Fatter. Version. Now. Where. Was. I?'

Option 2: 'Know-it-all' - I like the idea of this option not saying a word for ages. Then after a junction, its computerised impassive tones announce: '200. Yards. Ago. You. Should. Have. Turned. Right. I. Didnít. Say. As. I. Thought. It. Was. Obvious.' Or when you've sailed round a roundabout waiting for instructions that didn't come, the Sat Nav suddenly says: 'Oops. Bet. You. Feel. An. Idiot. Now. Didnít. You. See. The. Bloody. Big. Sign?'

Option 3: 'Indecisive worrier' - You know you've chosen this when it says, 'After. 100. Yards. Bear. Left. Or. Is. It. Right. I. Often. Go. Wrong. Here. This. Doesn't. Look. Familiar. ' Or maybe it's just directed you onto a motorway, you're sitting quite happily, when suddenly the Sat Nav chips in with: 'We. Are. Going. North. Should. We. Be. Going. North.' Or simply the sound: 'Mmmmmm' as if it's thinking it's gone wrong, but not wanting to say, followed by a low-volume 'Not. Sure. Not Sure.' repeated just to unnerve you. If, by miracle, you get to where you wanted to go, rather than a triumphant 'You. Have. Reached. Your. Destination.' it sighs with relief 'Thank. God. I. Thought. We'd. Never. Find. It.'

Option 4: 'Nostalgic' - This will unexpectedly take you down cul-de-sacs in random market towns. 'I. Used. To. Live. Here. Le'ís. See. If. I'ís. Changed.' OrÖsuddenly as you are heading for a tricky junction. 'It. Used. To. Be. Fields. Round. Here. I. Preferred. It. That. Way.' this would be followed by a computerised wistful sigh, and then: 'By. The. Way. You. Should. Have. Turned. Left. A. Minute. Ago.'

Option 5: 'Backseat Driver' - This one is actually still useful, it knows the way, but it used technology to criticise your driving. 'You. Should. Be. In. Third. You'll. Never make. This. Hill.' and maybe it can detect rain outside. 'I. Would. Have. My. Wipers. On.' and usefully, but annoyingly, instead of simply beeping to tell you of speed cameras it says: 'Slow. Down. You. Maniac. You. Are. Not. An. Ambulance.'

Maybe, rather than trying to be more human, manufacturers should simply concentrate on what technology is good at - building up information. Sat Navs could have colour sensors detecting green (trees) versus grey (concrete) to offer you not just the fastest, shortest, but also the most scenic routes. Voice recognition might record swearing, a heartbeat monitor measure stress levels, so that the Sat Nav could suggest alternative routes or even play soothing 'dolphins in the womb' music when needed. In the meantime, Sat Navs are currently good at taking (most) stress out of directing you to places you don't know the way to. Personally, I don't know where I'd be without one. Let's celebrate by leaving the Sat Nav to deal with the A to B, while you can concentrate on the C.D.E - Complete Driving Experience. Look out the window, be nostalgic, even change your mind if you want to. Don't be a slave to the clever little box. If, in the meantime, the Sat Nav takes you on a slightly odd detour, or you're a lorry driver stuck under a low bridge, then remember: Just like human companions, it's nice to have them around to help with directions, but sometimes you've simply got to ignore them.